“Let it be known,” declared Amos as the camera counted down its miraculous self-timer. “Though we’re going back to tomorrow — Eli forsaking his new Mod lifestyle, Miriam giving up her funny tee shirts and methamphetamines, me the World of Warcraft character I’ve built up all these months, and Esther the cigarettes she keeps smoking despite being seven months with child — we can rest happy knowing no one, and I mean no one, will ever Rumshpringa as hard as we motherfucking Rumshpringaed!”